Be responsible, respectable,
Stable but gullible
Concerned and caring, help the helpless
But always remain ultimately selfish
Get the balance right, get the balance right
I’ve been meditating a lot on balance this week. Am I getting it right? It’s a lot more right than it was a year ago. Probably more right than it was 6 months ago in certain respects, but I feel lately that it’s been tipping in a wrong direction.
I’ve certainly been responsible. Single momhood has been a challenge, but Maya is clean, clothed, fed and happy – so I’ve been doing something right (as has her Dad – so kudos to us in gracefully handling co-parenting). I have a roof over our heads and money in the bank (not a lot, but certainly enough to pay the bills).
Respectable…yes, I’ve been that too, I think. I’ve been following those pesky Four Agreements (being impeccable with my word, trying not to take anything personally, trying not to make any assumptions and always trying to do my best) – and while not perfect, I think I’ve done my best. Hey, there’s me following Agreement #4 now!
Stable – see above paragraph referencing responsibility. Gullible? Well, I like to look at this as giving people the benefit of the doubt and believing that in general, people are well-meaning. I guess if we’re not talking about teenagers in school, then I’ve been that too.
Concerned and caring, helping the helpless – yes, this pretty much defines my job. How I relate to my students (even if it is learned helplessness), and how I relate to my colleagues (not that they are helpless in any way, that was more the concerned and caring part.) How I relate, period.
Remaining ultimately selfish…hmmm…this is where the balance is not right. Because I’ve been pouring myself into caring for others, I do seem to have neglected myself a bit. I haven’t really gained any of the weight back…been struggling with a couple of pounds but not anything crazy. Whereas, I had been exercising like clockwork three times a week, I’m grateful if I get 1-2 sessions in…and the intensity is not what it was. I was meditating daily, and now it’s more hit and miss. Writing twice a week, and it’s gone down to once, and sometimes not even that.
Okay — it’s time for a recalibration my friends. I need to get the root of why the balance is off. I suspect the answer starts with a “w” and ends with a “k” – but I’ll reserve judgement until the end of my staycation.
I have the next 13 (yes…13!!!) days to (re)discover what is important to me and figure out a way to put my attention towards those things (and people). Wish me luck