Fall down 9 times, get up – 10 is it?

I’m learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I’m learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
-Foo Fighters

Yep, I’ve been feeling the Foo lately – the lyrics from “Walk” have really been speaking to me…in fact, some of you might have noticed (or totally not at all…ha!) that my writing has become more introspective, a little (a lot?) heavier (when I’m not talking about Maya), more intentional…and that is very reflective of what my life has been lately. More introspective, a little heavier, and I’ve been living with intention, not just going through the motions.

Along those lines, today was a big day…after several big days..months.

It was Maya’s first day of nursery school –cue tears (mine, not hers), heaving chest from anxiety, and bittersweet thoughts. Watching her today was gratifying, especially given how incredibly attached she has been to me, how cautious she is .  She is now a mostly independent little girl, who knows how to asks for hugs and kisses if she is feeling insecure, and is a generally happy little one.

All grown up
All grown up

It was my first day back to work as a full-time teacher in over three years and several of my student files got audited as well (cue tears, mine again).  It’s bittersweet as that means much less time with Maya, and much more time to exercise my skills and help others.  At least, that is my goal.

On top of this all, I am un-officially a single mom as of this past Saturday, divorce pending. I’ve spent the past few days purging my home of a lot of clutter and dust, and I’m on my way to feeling lighter and more peaceful.  At least, that is another of my goals.

I finally broke down today. Honestly, I was waiting for it – since the universe saw it fit for all of these things to happen at once as a culmination of the last several months of change. But the good thing is, I survived.  I might be a little worse for wear – ok, I’m not going to lie, I’m straight out exhausted, mentally and emotionally. But, thanks to my new, gorgeous king-sized bed, I am at least now getting good sleep.

There are many things I will have to get used to in the next few months. Some people refer to it as my new “normal.”  Not sleeping under the same roof as my daughter every night of the week.  Working every day outside the home, as opposed to only in it…which is now just my home with my daughter and no one else. Getting the opportunity to effect change on twice as many teenagers as I have for the last 7 months.  Spending more time with adults. Spending more time with me.

It’s been a rough couple of months, and will likely be rough for several more…“learning to walk again” involves a lot of falling down. I just have to remember the important thing is to keep getting back up.

9 comments

  1. Hi Joy,
    Thanks for sharing. Sorry for what you are going through. If you need anything, let me know. We can have some “girl” time.
    I, too, have been on an introspective journey the last few years. It’s inevitable to being a good Mom. You’re a good Mom!

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  2. Excellent. You are on the right path; sometimes it will be one step forward and two steps back, but you will get there. Your determination and your ability to get back up will see you through. Oh, and I’ll be there when you need help to get up again!

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  3. I’ve read this 4 times already. Love it each time 🙂 There will be plenty of held out hands around to help you get back up and walking, don’t you worry!

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  4. Yeah… I don’t know what to say to this… there are times when I can be flippant and I try to have fun but… this hits home for me too because, as you know, I’m divorcing too. Obviously you wrote this a few months ago but it seems as though you’re in a better place now.

    Sincerely… you don’t know me very well – although you’re doing a fantastic job of reading all my posts LOL – but if you ever need to vent, feel free to reach out to me.

    Clear skies, my friend…

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